Well, I didn’t do too well last night. I had a sudden dip in mood, and couldn’t seem to get out of it. I farted about on the internet, read things, tweeted, but couldn’t shake it. I spent a lot of money on a Bible program, trying to cheer myself up (fortunately I didn’t go too mad, I can afford it and I will love using it). The cheering-up didn’t work. Then, I sat up late letting the software download, at which point mum came in and told me to go to bed. I reacted badly, told her no in a rude way, we had a little argument, she swore at me, she went to bed and I cut myself.
I am really disappointed in myself. It has been ages since I last did it, and here I am writing a series about self injury from a Christian perspective and I go and do it again. Maybe the focus on self harm is why it came to mind – because frankly, I’m not that down. I’m a bit down, but I am aware that I’ve been an awful lot more ill than this.
I think, to be honest, that the reason I’m down is because partly, the job I was doing and which triggered all this off for as-yet unknown reasons, but also the fact that I’m moving house in a few days. I hate change, and change has a tendency to make me ill as it is, but I particularly hate changes to my home life. I know that I’m going to a nice place and all, and I will enjoy having lots of space – it’s just that I find it hard to live somewhere else. I’m also disappointed in myself for failing to keep what was a simple, easy job. Instead I became a bit ill and scarpered before it got any worse.
Oh well. I have to keep telling myself that I am worth it, that I am loved (by friends and family, but also by God) I am doing ok, just a bit of a dip. Today I have been much better, since about midday (and no, I did not get up at midday!) I have been ok. Somehow the stress of moving, now that today we have actually been packing, has gone away. So fingers crossed it will stay that way!
- G2SI: Self Injury: Christian Views (believersbrain.com)