Bit of a Fall Down

Wooddut by Hans Brosamer of the Fall of Man fr...

Wooddut by Hans Brosamer of the Fall of Man from the 1550 Wittenberg Bible of Martin Luther (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, I didn’t do too well last night. I had a sudden dip in mood, and couldn’t seem to get out of it. I farted about on the internet, read things, tweeted, but couldn’t shake it. I spent a lot of money on a Bible program, trying to cheer myself up (fortunately I didn’t go too mad, I can afford it and I will love using it). The cheering-up didn’t work. Then, I sat up late letting the software download, at which point mum came in and told me to go to bed. I reacted badly, told her no in a rude way, we had a little argument, she swore at me, she went to bed and I cut myself.

I am really disappointed in myself. It has been ages since I last did it, and here I am writing a series about self injury from a Christian perspective and I go and do it again. Maybe the focus on self harm is why it came to mind – because frankly, I’m not that down. I’m a bit down, but I am aware that I’ve been an awful lot more ill than this.

I think, to be honest, that the reason I’m down is because partly, the job I was doing and which triggered all this off for as-yet unknown reasons, but also the fact that I’m moving house in a few days. I hate change, and change has a tendency to make me ill as it is, but I particularly hate changes to my home life. I know that I’m going to a nice place and all, and I will enjoy having lots of space – it’s just that I find it hard to live somewhere else. I’m also disappointed in myself for failing to keep what was a simple, easy job. Instead I became a bit ill and scarpered before it got any worse.

Oh well. I have to keep telling myself that I am worth it, that I am loved (by friends and family, but also by God) I am doing ok, just a bit of a dip. Today I have been much better, since about midday (and no, I did not get up at midday!) I have been ok. Somehow the stress of moving, now that today we have actually been packing, has gone away. So fingers crossed it will stay that way!

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