So, what’s happened today? I’ve been clearing out the house (I’m moving on Tuesday) which isn’t very interesting at all.
I’ve been feeling a bit better today – I spent the last week or so in a bit of a depression, which I was worried would turn into one of my mega-depressions. I think it happened because I was in a part-time job until last week which had started to make me anxious and I had started to get depressed while I was there. I really don’t know why – the job was easy, not much was expected of me, and the customers and staff were nice. So why did I get down? I am meeting with a CPN on Monday to try to figure it out.
I’m worried about it, really. What if I can’t stop this? What if I am doomed to constantly starting low-level jobs, being ill, being off sick, losing the job, benefits, getting a job, sick again…and so on? I know people who think that I just don’t want to work but I do – I just want to stay well! I keep trying different jobs in the hope that I’ll find one where I’m not ill, but I haven’t been lucky so far.
It is something that is troubling me at the moment, but I am not sure what I should be doing about it. I’m lucky that my advisor at the Jobcentre hasn’t told me off, or sanctioned me or something. She’s been ok, which is good. I’m just embarrassed about telling people at church/the pub about it in case they think I am one of the Daily Fail’s famous “scroungers” which is what one of my “friends” in London called me before I moved up here. I certainly don’t feel able to tell anyone up here about the mental illness, not with the potential prejudice that might evoke, but I hate keeping this a secret. It is a big part of my life and I don’t like not being able to mention it. One day…
Anyway, that is what is on my mind at the moment. Not sure what I should be doing.